Guest blogger: TheMats - An Ode to Bacon

It’s beyond any doubt that bacon is one of the absolutely finest things in the world. Gold? Well, it can be used to buy bacon, so initially I’m a fan. Likewise with diamonds and such. But bacon far surpasses for example Jesus’ favorite sensory stimulant, myrrh.

But I digress. Myrrh has no place in lunch. Bacon, however, does. As well as in any other meal. I’ve read somewhere that bacon is the third condiment, in addition to salt and pepper. And who am I to question those sources? And who are you to refrain from having a side of bacon with anything or everything? If Heston Blumenthal can keep making his bacon and egg ice cream, you could start keeping bacon around for everything else.

Anyway. There’s bacon and then there’s Bacon. The lower case one is the watered out stuff you buy in any given Norwegian suckass grocery store, where everything is cheap as shit and that’s probably not the only similarity to fecal matter. The other kind, the real bacon, Bacon, is a thing for gods. It’s the stuff that will actually provide a full-fledged heart condition at a young age if consumed properly (read: in abundance).

How much is store-bought bacon? I’m guessing here, no need to make any informed statement, but it should run you about 200-250 bucks (NOK) a kilo. Slightly less expensive than Trendy’s preferred coke-diet, but since TheMats is currently not employed doing trend research or something where people throw goodiebags and money in your direction, I’m approaching this from the cheap perspective. Meaning I made my own Bacon, which cost me about 50 pop a kilo.

Now, it takes about four weeks, but that’s mostly waiting, and it’s not like you’ve not waited longer for other stuff that’s awesome. Remember when you were 14 (or 16 or 18 or whenever)? You had waited a long ass time to have sex, and though it probably bothered you, you still endured it. But I digress. Again. The point is, making your own Bacon is far easier than making you own salt, or pepper, and it’s cheap, and it’s the best thing in the world, except for maybe gold, which will buy you both bacon and sex.

I’ve just loaded a new batch of hog jowls to the attic, where they will cure for three weeks and become delicious guanciale, which is the even more heart stopping cousin of Bacon. And when it’s done, I’ll invite Lunch Dagenson for my favorite bacon-related dish except from the obvious favorite ”Bacon”: Carbonara, made according to the receipe of the guy that openly professes his love for lardo, or proscioutto blanco, Mario Batali. Fat as fuck and gluttonous and enjoying life.



Make it yourself someday. Make it for lunch or dinner or whatever, that’s not my mission here to discuss.

I remain dedicated to Bacon.